Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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