I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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