it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
