the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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