okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
