Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
