This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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