I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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