Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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