My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
