OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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