So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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