Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
