i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
