I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
did i walk over a car last night?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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