i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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