Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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