Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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