had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
