Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I CAN MOONWALK!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I could fuck to npr.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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