I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
