1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my shit smells like andre
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
