If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
