Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
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So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
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HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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