The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
