just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
