Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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