I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
