All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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