Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
