I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
