Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
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I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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