He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
