I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
