The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
