like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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