Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
