I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dignity is for republicans.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
