I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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