I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
