he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
