I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
