I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
