Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I cannot find my penis.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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