Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
