I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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