He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
