i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
