Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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