Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
