i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
