Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
