I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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