I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
