I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
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