So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I am spending my child support on dildos
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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