I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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