Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
