hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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