I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
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drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
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If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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