ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
