you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
