It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I did not marry a roomba.
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