Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
