I'm lost and stupid without you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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