Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
