flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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